there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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