i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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