Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Randomize
