Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize