Four minutes until I can fart!
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize