there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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