Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
