Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I lost the right to judge tonight
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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