I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
