Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
My liver just broke up with me...
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Randomize
