You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
