Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
