You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
