i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize
