the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize