At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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