Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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