We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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