I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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