I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
