Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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