your thong is hanging out like whoa
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I think I sprained my soul last night
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
