Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
