I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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