i wish my penis had a tongue
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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