Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
