I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
