I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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