I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Randomize
