I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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