I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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