Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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