He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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