i'm signing you up for texting rehab
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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