i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
