theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
