I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
