ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
