Pappa wants mamma naked
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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