toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
