moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
