I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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