U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
