Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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