Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
In America we eat man semen.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
