it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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