my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize