I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
