new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
