Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
