Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
