I haven't been this sober since birth.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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