Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
