I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
