we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
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