I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
