I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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