I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
