My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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