i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
