just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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