just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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