when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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