All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
there's paper in my vomit.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
