How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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