He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
